Funny Tweets and One Liners - Not Politically Correct Of Course....

Roses are black Violets are black It's late at night I didn't pay bloody the electric bill!

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald's or kebab shops would be doing it.

"Opinions are like orgasms, mine matter most and I don't care if you have one." ~ Men

Hey, I saw a guy using a pay phone today - I guess someone got kidnapped!

My spirit animal died of neglect.

Never tell a psycho that they're psycho, because then they feel like they're obligated to prove it.

This tweet would get all dressed up and go somewhere special on a Saturday night, but unfortunately it's married.. so it'll just get drunk.

Naming your daughter after a luxury car or precious gemstone is a wager with the universe that your parenting can make her not be a stripper

My yard is full of bear traps cos I'm a bit concerned about sharing porridge with bears & young girls..

I thought I typed "twitter" in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail...

DM: "This person is writing offensive posts about you." ME: Oh cool, you follow my mother in law! Tell her I said hi!

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap? ......You're welcome.

If Bob The Builder's slogan is "Can he fix it?" then he's not really a builder- more of a repairman.

I don't usually cry from onions, but this BBQ story is so inspirational..

My lover said we can't hang out this weekend because she doesn't exist.

She asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that's how the fight got started..