Yesterdays Twitter One Liners...



  • If you're going to a wedding this weekend & you see a random stranger dancing his nut off on the dance floor, I'm sorry, I lost a bet.
  • Told my friends at the pub that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
  • My dream job? That's easy:Be 1 of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone....That's Old School Twitter.
  • I told my grandma I was going to the Apple store and she said, "You eating fruit! .... as if!!"
  • Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
  • You know that warm feeling you get when you look at your mother in law?....... It's called acid re-flux.
  • My mother in law just opened my car door for me.....Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 140 kph
  • No one ever said life was easy, but several people said that I am!
  • A recent survey has shown that most men want a girl who asks them to do things that they have to Google
  • Dear Microwave Makers - Please make them with a "Pfft" button!
  • Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him...
  • I miss the old days..........when a duck face meant that you had a stroke. 
  • My son asked me what humble means. I told him it means pretending you're not better than everybody else
  • Accidentally picked up two traffic cones instead of my children AGAIN!!! 
  • In a recent survey suggests that 9 out of 10 bros actually chose Ho's over each other.
  • Dear Mother IN Law, let's not complicate our relationship by trying to communicate with each other.... agree?
  • What's your body type? Mine is "giant gummy bear."